Hello! I can finally get down to beeswax, because times have been busy up the heezy, and I've been procrastinating because I wanted the first post to be exceptionally long. (FYI: These postings will probably be a few in a day, every week, when I can squeeze some in. yadadadmean). This posting is one of the reasons I started this blog, for my own personal dilemmas and others alike: Friends with Benefits aka 'FWB'. This common acronym seems to be a big issue with people in the modern age (how many bluddy movies came out already?). As our values, time-management, priorities, jobs, families, and friends will have an impact on our lives, we try (and by try I mean try and fail), to control our emotional thinking. By brushing things off our shoulders, we create a non-spoken existence between friends and partners, which tends to (not ALL the time), but majority of the time, backfire on our relationships. So how can FWB actually pull through?
Let's go back to the beginning....There was once a boy named Billy who could not help his third-eye. Billy was a good boy, a smart boy, nonetheless, a very horny boy. He could not help the fact that all he thought about was canoodling someone else besides his hand, but was much too involved with his goals to settle down with a girlfriend. It's not that he was a commitment-phobe or an asshole, he just knew he couldn't be the stability for a girl right now. On the other hand, there was Sally. She was also a busy girl, with many plans ahead in her future. She held herself to a high regard, as no man (or boy) would tie her down in the moment. Looking from a viewpoint, these two would be perfect for each other. For the sex. They find each other one day, through mutual friends, and end up making a rule: They would only please each other sexually. That meant no rules, no strings/attachments, and NO EMOTIONS. They went on about their days, seeing each other from time to time. Part of the rules meant that they *never saw each other in the day time.
All right, fine with them. Let's fast forward a couple of months. They're doing the same thing, hooking up every now and then. But hold it! They've showered together, woken up next to each other, and had breakfast with each other. Can this be that they are 'together'? They haven't had the talk, but it seems to be that they are feeling the bond. More time goes on, they become comfortable with each other, gloves off, inhibitions out the window. They are experiencing compassion for each others' company. They think about each other in non-sexual ways. Now, what were those rules again?
What rules?......
There are two ways this relationship can go. They can:
1. Have the talk, come to a conclusion, and accept the verdict (happy, disappointed, or biased)
or
2. Keep the non-verbal exciting, wild, unattached sex going on, but with many gambles along the way. Although the thrill is what is keeping this relationship together, both Sally and Billy know instinctively that they are getting themselves involved. How can they continue seeing each other on a weekly/daily basis without getting emotionally attached? That question is complicated; it's in our genes.*
'Your Brain in Love' via Scientific American.
*Oxytocin, aka the 'Love Hormone' is released during and after an orgasm in males and females alike. It evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around the other mate. Many studies have already shown a correlation of oxytocin with human bonding, increases in trust, and decreases in fear. (via Wiki)
Now we're getting down to the bees knees. Science will now prove that when two people have sex, they are not only pleasuring themselves, but becoming attached, whether they realize it or not. Sex is a bonding of two bodies, as spiritual or animalistic as we see it. It is a mutual agreement, which from the get-go, we survey through the other person, knowing within seconds that they are compatible and attractive to us, from the visuals, body language, scent, talk, leading to the dum dum dum, touch.
If science can prove that we mutually become emotionally attached, what are the odds we won't? Let's just say that we want to keep things balanced for the time being, without getting complicated. Sure, we can ignore the feeling altogether but what about the facts of everyday life? We begin to develop interests in the other person, similarities, memories. Songs that make us think of them, scents that remind us of their room, a cloud that reminds us of how fluffy they are to hug. Whatever the case, these are emotional attachments, so as long as it's just a smile lingering on your face the morning after, You Are Hooked, Buddy (and did you even plan on that?).
Whether it's time management, commitment phobia, or an uncontrollable boner/vagina, the oxytocin will settle in and we'll want to settle. Tricky part: Both parties must be willing and ready to settle, otherwise you're in a circular game of 'your turn, my turn, I wonder what they're thinking, let's just bone then'. I hate this. It's a vicious cycle until the verdict is clear. Our hearts and minds will always be an art of balance. One might go against the other in times of drastic feelings/logic. When we feel, we FEEL. There's no stopping that. Emotions are a beautiful thing, which is why they should be expressed in these times (why not make a move? They might be thinking the exact same thing). On the other hand, the mind is our guardian, watching out for us, keeping us out of hurt and the stickiest of situations. You can't be with this person 24/7, and you can't always depend on someone else to be there. Relying on ourselves is one of the key steps to maintaining this balance, of knowing who we are, what we want, and if we truly want to extend the boundaries of friends to something more.
*The Rules of Dating, taken from an episode of 'How I Met Your Mother':
The rules for dating are the same as the rules for Gremlins.
Rule 1: Never get them wet; in other words, don't let her shower at your place.
Rule 2: Keep them away from sunlight; i.e., never see them during the day.
Rule 3: Never feed them after midnight; meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her, ever!
All right, fine with them. Let's fast forward a couple of months. They're doing the same thing, hooking up every now and then. But hold it! They've showered together, woken up next to each other, and had breakfast with each other. Can this be that they are 'together'? They haven't had the talk, but it seems to be that they are feeling the bond. More time goes on, they become comfortable with each other, gloves off, inhibitions out the window. They are experiencing compassion for each others' company. They think about each other in non-sexual ways. Now, what were those rules again?
What rules?......
There are two ways this relationship can go. They can:
1. Have the talk, come to a conclusion, and accept the verdict (happy, disappointed, or biased)
or
2. Keep the non-verbal exciting, wild, unattached sex going on, but with many gambles along the way. Although the thrill is what is keeping this relationship together, both Sally and Billy know instinctively that they are getting themselves involved. How can they continue seeing each other on a weekly/daily basis without getting emotionally attached? That question is complicated; it's in our genes.*
*Oxytocin, aka the 'Love Hormone' is released during and after an orgasm in males and females alike. It evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around the other mate. Many studies have already shown a correlation of oxytocin with human bonding, increases in trust, and decreases in fear. (via Wiki)
Now we're getting down to the bees knees. Science will now prove that when two people have sex, they are not only pleasuring themselves, but becoming attached, whether they realize it or not. Sex is a bonding of two bodies, as spiritual or animalistic as we see it. It is a mutual agreement, which from the get-go, we survey through the other person, knowing within seconds that they are compatible and attractive to us, from the visuals, body language, scent, talk, leading to the dum dum dum, touch.
If science can prove that we mutually become emotionally attached, what are the odds we won't? Let's just say that we want to keep things balanced for the time being, without getting complicated. Sure, we can ignore the feeling altogether but what about the facts of everyday life? We begin to develop interests in the other person, similarities, memories. Songs that make us think of them, scents that remind us of their room, a cloud that reminds us of how fluffy they are to hug. Whatever the case, these are emotional attachments, so as long as it's just a smile lingering on your face the morning after, You Are Hooked, Buddy (and did you even plan on that?).
Whether it's time management, commitment phobia, or an uncontrollable boner/vagina, the oxytocin will settle in and we'll want to settle. Tricky part: Both parties must be willing and ready to settle, otherwise you're in a circular game of 'your turn, my turn, I wonder what they're thinking, let's just bone then'. I hate this. It's a vicious cycle until the verdict is clear. Our hearts and minds will always be an art of balance. One might go against the other in times of drastic feelings/logic. When we feel, we FEEL. There's no stopping that. Emotions are a beautiful thing, which is why they should be expressed in these times (why not make a move? They might be thinking the exact same thing). On the other hand, the mind is our guardian, watching out for us, keeping us out of hurt and the stickiest of situations. You can't be with this person 24/7, and you can't always depend on someone else to be there. Relying on ourselves is one of the key steps to maintaining this balance, of knowing who we are, what we want, and if we truly want to extend the boundaries of friends to something more.
So....
WILL Billy and Sally keep their FWB going on strong? It's up to them, but I believe not. Sex, ultimately, turns into a bond, a spiritual connection, and an overall, trust. Sex may be one of our most known and used humane traits, yet it has the power to pleasure lives, change lives, and make life. As simple as we see it in some cases, it may just be the gap between love and loss. Always use pre-caution. Mentally, emotionally and condom-ly.
Happy F***ing.
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