The Bootycall.

That should be the name of my dog, if I ever get one. 'Bootycall! Bootycall! BOOTYCALL! GET OVER HERE'. I would always have one to call.

Bootycalls are so last night. They happen in the wee hours of dawn and end when the sun comes up. It's like how Shrek's girlfriend turns into an ogre. Call it the Fiona.

So when people Fiona each other, what they're really doing is feeding their sexual appetite. Is that so wrong? Not at all. Just make sure you have the reigns on your FEELINGS!

Does anyone watch Jersey Shore? *75 people raise their hand, 25 too ashamed to*...I do. And what this fiesta of a sitcom is saying to me is: Sex is in the eye of the beholder. Nothing wrong with it, however, when 7 million people are tuning into you hooking up with a total stranger after too many shots at Karma, sex may look disrespectful. It's not though. Do it with the right intentions.

Intention with the Fiona being: Keep it mutual, respectful, and crystal clear.
Do not involve emotions. OH DEAR GOD do not involve emotions. There's a reason you're quick-banging, right? You're releasing stress, you're feeding the appetite, you're keeping yourself happy (in a moment's time). So remember that it is U that is getting into the situation and it is U that is leaving the morning after/watching the other person dress and go. I guess I've done it too many times before, but there's been an even amount of suitors that have committed the clinger too.

Clinger example: "Let's get breakfast"
"Can we shower together?"
"What are you doing later today?"

If you do this, I feel for you. It sucks to be the clinger when the other person is wax paper. (Actually, think about it, if both people were clingers, they'd be saran wrap at the point when it's so hard to uncling that you throw it away and rip off a new one...AKA bad situation. Two clingers is worse than one. My hypothesis). I just don't want another soul being shredded apart by the sharp edge of the ripper.

By avoiding situations like this, both hornies must be mutual. Whether it's a handshake, a wink, a pat on the back, make the field rules clear: This is just physical and it's just with you/it's just with you and so-and-so/it's just with you and the rest of your friends/I'm banging everyone else too btw. Seriously, communication is serious. With this mutual agreement, respect is also traded. By letting this person know your intentions, you're giving them knowledge of what's to come so they're not blindsighted at the last minute.

Blindsight example: "I just found out you slept with my friend"
-"You said we're not dating"
"......WHATEVER I HATE YOU!"

So take my advice on this one, make sure you and the other person are well aware of the situation and where you both stand. One person might have feelings, while the other one has no clue. In which case, the Fiona should not even be pulled off. This can be dangerous if continued unspoken. By keeping things crystal clear, bootycalls can turn out healthy, enjoyable and beneficial to both people and their hormones.

In the case of eliminating drama, express yourself and your thoughts. Even if you think that could jeopardize what you both have. They're only your bootycalls, it's not like you're holding onto a life's commitment here (unless of course this is your friend and you want to keep the relationship healthy. Read Friends with Benefits). It's important to realize that the people in your life are there for the vibe you put out. Keeping your feelings in can be just as wrong as leading someone on. In this case, you'd be leading yourself on. Take good care of yourself and remember that there are other things in the world besides sex. Like dogs and hobbies.

Happy Fiona-ing.