Douche: The new purple.

Here's the current trend report:

Jersey jackets, atkins diets, and A-holes.

What's the deals, peeps?

Everybody seems to be enthralled by the douchy guy/girl, well aware of their douchiness, let allow him/her to play a vital role in their lives. Why?

Because it gives us some kind of gain.

There are different scenarios for this though, from the perspective of a guy or a girl.

Here's Scenario 1: Guy is Douche.

Girl likes guy.

Guy likes vagina.

Girl is genuinely in like-love with guy.

Guy is genuinely horny, mighty douchy.

Girl lets him hit 1st base. And 2nd, 3rd, 4th.

Guy gets what he wants.

Girl calls guy.

Guy does not answer.

Girl waits for guy.

Guy goes for other girls.

Girl wonders what she did wrong.

Guy parties on.

Girl sees guy with other girl. Cries. Gets pissed.

Yet.

Still keeps guy around.

Why does girl keep guy around?

Girls are programmed to nurture people. We are the baby's bosom and no matter what the scenario is, we have this computer chip of provender and care in us. This is not to say that all girls are like Poor Girl up there. We have different genes, different upbringing, different scenarios, yet quite comparable to a male figure, girls will find more compassion in situations, which brings more questions, more emotion, more logic into play on relationships and life in general.

Girl obviously likes guy. Guy is fooling around, being a guy, bless him, but does not know the actions and effects he is putting on poor girl. She keeps him around because when guy plays hard to get (in which case he might literally be), she goes after him with primal notion. She knows what she wants. And she's going to get it. At least that's what the girl's mind is thinking. For girls, when we see guys, we primitively want them to nurture US, to be the caretakers for us, to protect us from bad, to keep us warm, to be the strong male role model we see ourselves deserving, and ultimately, giving us the right to be a woman. When the man is doing the opposite, and disobeying the law of human nature, he becomes questionable. 

Now how can we fix this?

Is that Girl's first question?

Cause knowing that Girl is genuinely looking for love, looking for commitment, and a wholesome man, she should obviously put this tainted project down and begin a new one. She should. But she doesn't. She's a nurturer and she'll go looking for a way to fix this broken record. What she will go through may be long term or short, emotionally draining or light, and life changing or viciously cycling.

As a woman, I see how we have the passion to fix a man up. To change him from his gritty ways and turn him into a prince. We all want to be the one to change him. If it wasn't you that did, it was the last girl to make him better for you. And if it wasn't her, it might be the next. Whatever the case, it's a beneficial feeling, helping someone out, knowing that they are better off with you. At the same time, you may not be the right one to change them. 

"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby." - Natalie Wood

Do not get discouraged, our care is genuine and compassionate. But it is literally impossible to change someone if they refuse to be changed. Think about it in their shoes. For Guy, he is a party boy. He is blowing girls off, acting a douche, and not to say that this type of behavior is literally correct, but he could be going through a stage. Just like we all do in life. A good part about the douche factor is that many people quickly ease in and out of it. Some people don't even have it for long. A night, a week, a spring break, we all vary. And girls do it too. Oh girl, we do it too.

Scenario 2: Girl is a ho.

Guy likes girl.

Girl likes guy(s).

Guy wants girl to commit herself.

Girl wants to party.

Guy is head over heels for girl.

Girl is aware, yet gives no compassion.

Guy is pitifully let down, yet still believes things will work.

Why does guy let himself be led on like this?

It's much more pathetic looking at a led-on situation from a guy's perspective. Mainly being, because guys are usually the ones to do it (experience reference). But, these situations do occur and when they do, guys, hold your mutha****** hats. 

Girls are crazy. We know this. You know this. And even the stable girls know this, cause we all have the lunatic pillow-punching bitch deep down inside us. It's not our fault, we come prepackaged with a whole lot of estrogen and when you have that much emotion, boy, it's a whole career trying to balance them out. 

In scenario 2, Guy is infatuated with Girl. It may be her stance, it may be her quirkiness, it may be her professionalism. Whatever the cause, he is sprung and when a dedicated man knows what he wants, he'll get it. Or so he thinks. In a man's world, I believe they like hard-to-get girls because it gives them an honest to goodness challenge. It keeps them busy. It fires their grill and sharpens their steel. A woman, to most men, is one of the most mystical and confusing creatures of all. Which is why they like cars so much. Call a car Baby and she'll never talk back. Anyway, the challenge is there and there he will go.

Is this why guys don't like the easy girls?

The easy girls are usually the ones to put out first. Maybe they know they're easy, maybe they don't. Maybe they're doing it on purpose, maybe it's genuine. Most guys will still hit that and be done. There was no challenge. He don't wanna stay around for any b.s. He had a deed, like you both were well aware of, and both of you got it done. Case closed, hasta luego. Does that make girls sad? Do birds fly?

One of the hardest things for girls, and guys alike, is the point of after-hook ups. There is a hint of 'now what' in the air. For girls, it's a clear case of 1. 'Ugh I never want to see him again' (Douchebags, this is your gold), or 2. 'I like him, he better change his Facebook status NOW'. If you're in between, honey, you're bound to flip one switch soon. For guys, well 1. 'That was great. Bye.' or 2. 'That was great. Round 2?'. Why do we have to be so different?

I could keep going on and on about this situation. It is the problem of centuries. However, there is a simple basic answer to it:

Do what you enjoy.

Be happy.

If he/she ain't giving you the love, drop them.

There's no need to be mean in the process; let them know how you feel and if their answer is different than yours and the door is looking shut, walk yourself out. We, as human beings, should be thriving, beautiful, lively, LIVING. Not tied down in bullshit shenanigans that we see happen over and over again in movies and tv and to our best friends.

Do not ever, ever, ever change yourself for someone else. 

You are much too f****** important for that. You can change your clothes, do your hair, put on some shoes, but keep what's inside REAL.

The time is now.

If you're in a douchy relationship and you are reading this, take it from me, it's not getting any better. 

You will. 

Breaking the Bars: Sex with the X

This is a common case, no?

Depending upon time/whereabouts/the past/emotions/etc, the act of X-sex is actually a good thing. 

Why?

There are Pros:

1. It is consensual.

2. You know exactly what/where/how he/she likes it and vise-versa.

3. It's comfortable and you can relax (there's no awkward situations, you've been through this, remember?)

Sex with the ex can be extraordinary. But with all the pros come a few cons as well. After all, there is a reason they're called the ex, right? Mm-hmmmmmm.

Cons:

1. It is uncomfortably awkward (but you didn't intend for it to be).

2. One person still has feelings for the other (oh shnap).

3. It brings up bad memories.

Poor Peter.

The list could go on...It's great because you guys haven't seen each other in a long time and you can play catch up while playing dress down; it's bad because he whipped it out and you were reminded of the time you guys were drunk in the shower and he slipped out of the tub, etc... 

Whether the sex is good or not, the agreement should be in place. Don't go thinking you can get drunk and push your feelings aside either, that may hurt you. Mutually agree that this is something you both can hop on, pun intended, and enjoy the ride, to intend the pun. Just like friends with benefits, the rules are the same. Always remember that there are TWO people in this game, and along with people come emotions, feelings, maybe even a little bit of resentment. Don't go bringing up the past once you guys have hooked up. Like "Remember that time you stood me up mutha f*&#@?!". A little bit of hastiness can turn sex into a power trip (sex is directly linked to human bonding), so don't go messing around with people through that. Big no-no. A playful flirtation is probably the healthiest flow a past relationship can have in order to grow from the ending you both had. And from here, there are many doors that could open.

Sure, you guys might actually end up re-igniting the fire, which I *golf clap* you on. But another scenario that might end up happening is that they become your bootycall. Now I'm on the fence about this one. Like the notion above, there's a reason they're your ex. In which case, you must look over the scenarios from you and only your perspective. There could be a million reasons why you guys broke up. Maybe it was because he cheated on you. Maybe you cheated on him. Maybe his voice irritated you. Maybe you were too clingy. Whatever the case, I do advise you above anything else, to make sure that you are emotionally aware of the situation and the underlying predicaments that may pop up. 

Y'know how they say to 'live everyday like its your last'? Do that, but make like just in case it's not your last, you didn't just juggle up your emotions (esp for the girls, haaay).

Happy sEXing.

Newton's Law.

A seed is planted.

An apple tree grows.

An apple forms.

The apple falls.

If we use this analogy, friendship mixed with sex could be the apple itself.

Example:

Friends

Friends

Friends

Stable Friendship

Until a blundering situation occurs...

It happens.

Once you hook up with your buddy, the normal friendship is only going downhill from there...

The aftershock.

The awkwardness.

The silence.

Yes, the apple falls far from the tree it was once growing on. The apple grew from the seed, experienced a good time on top, and dropped to the ground to be eaten, or well, started as another seed in the ground. 

The friendship that stemmed from the seed before an apple was formed seems to have gone to turmoils because of a simple act of sex. Does this actually happen? I saw it happen just now. A friendship that was once a stability turned to accused reactions, false hope, and a general ending, sad to say.

Conclusion: Control your hormones. Realize that actions have consequences and what goes up must come down. People are feeling holders. Unless you are complete strangers, there's no other way to go from down to up.

Chitter Chatter Blibber Blabber

So I was massaging this guy today, a Brian. Around his 40-early 50's, he had come into the spa once before. That time, we talked about tattoos and religion for an hour. For today's sesh, we got chatty about a few very sex-toastable-things.

1. How beautiful people in Hawaii are.

This is so true and I notice and appreciate this beauty every time I leave the island. It could be the weather, the sun, the positive vibes, the 'HI time' but all otherwise, we have an enormous melting pot and I believe that's what brings out the beauty in people, even of one background. Hapa (mixed backgrounds) people are beautiful. It's like how I describe my friend Matt. He looks full Japanese from some angles, complete with sun-highlighted hair, squinty eyes, and the surfer boy thing going on. But from face on, I can see the white in him. Especially when he goes 'Ya the waves are looking nice Ya?'. White boy talk. I love the culture here. So does Brian.

2. How hapa people are almost idolized by every culture in this day and age.

When I think of this statement, I immediately think of ViVi, a Japanese magazine consisting of only Eurasian models (half Japanese, half some-kind-of-white). "There's pretty women in the world....then there are women so gorgeous, they almost take the air out of the room" said Brian, as I propped him on his words. I know exactly what he's talking about. Shannyn Sossamon. Drop deadly. I do believe this is not only a fad right now, but a lovely way to view people and cultures. When you see someone so beautiful, you might wonder, what ARE they? We're usually attracted to exotic or different looking features, hence, when we see mixed backgrounds, we tend to stare for a moment. 

3. Why we are attracted to people in the first place.

I watched a documentary on Discovery channel last week on 'Why women have orgasms', which was mostly besides the point, considering the little shenanigans in between caught my interest a whole lot more. Why we are attracted to people and what makes us attracted, attracted me. Studies were done and showed that the more proportional a person was (body type, face structure/shape, eyes, nose, mouth, etc), the more attractive they were to the person. Keep in mind, that everyone has a different 'type' (to each their own), but to the majority of the population, this is how the ball rolls. People like even-ness. They like to see good genes in a mate, thus creating healthy offspring. It's very simple when thought about in animalistic terms. We ARE all animals anyways....aren't we?

4. How those 1920's old time ads are so socially corrupt and sexist.

5. And how times have changed.

You can't not only speak to a woman like that in this day and age, but you could be arrested for it. It's illegal to discriminate and that's lovely. Men and women are in a fair game now. They have each proven to the world that they are capable of doing anything from being elected into office to roller-derbying. Men are tough, but women are tougher (theoretically).

6. This is the theory we concluded to: Men are externally strong, but women have it internally. 

I stand by this and have since the day I heard it from one of my instructors a few years ago. She explained to us how men were always viewed as the higher power, because starting from caveman days, they were the ones to hunt, fish, protect, etc. The women were there for moral support. Birthing, feeding, tidying, the 'easy stuff'. Little did anyone notice, as time went on, that the roles would eventually even out, and possibly reverse. Although majority of the world will view roles on a physicality level, that's only one side of the story. Women have internal strength that can only be measured through experience. Childbirth, labor, PERIODS!!!, cramps, hormone levels, risk of pregnancy, risk of HPV, stress from risk of things like this, and most of all, having to deal with Men's perspective of women 'not being able to open a bottle of ketchup'. Brian said it and said it well: "Women are the power source". Amen Brian, AMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEN.

In this world, there are many ways to view the opposite sex and you won't find someone to put it as easy as Brian did, or the next peace-maker available. Racism, sexism, prejudice is real and that's the sad thing about the world. As beautiful as our cultures may be, how attractive we may be, as animalistic as we may be, as times change and perspectives fluctuate, you can't have all good without some bad. It's reality. If we could just find a balance......

The 4 Chemical Personalities.

If anyone out there is following ahisandwichplease, (thank you) and this will be a previous post I'm migrating over to sextoast. It's a highlight of this blog's meaning. And I'm sure someone will find it interesting.

The 4 Chemical Personalities, January 2011.

I watched a documentary type show on Hulu called 'Why do we love the people we do?' made by Fora.tv science, in which Helen Fisher (Chemistry.com's personality test creator), biological anthropologist, explains her neurology-based theory on mutual attractions. 

I will post the link to her 20 minute video at the bottom, but what I really fixated on throughout her whole speech was the process in which we 'choose' our mates, delivered in a logical and statistical way, called the '4 Chemical Personalities'.

According to Helen, we all have a funnel. We use this funnel to drain out who we can and cannot be compatible with. Within 10 seconds of 'scanning' this person, we will know if we like them or not, based on: timing, looks, voice, values, goals, needs, lifestyle, experience, and biological compatibility. 

The biological part is made up of 4 personalities, each one being an essential part of us, but having one dominating characteristic overall; "They are brain systems, not cubby holes."

The 4 Chemical Personalities are:

-Dopamine (The Explorer)

-Serotonin (The Builder)

-Testosterone (The Director)

-Estrogen/Oxytocin (The Negotiator)

With these 4 contrasted personalities come characteristics as follows:

1. Dopamine (The Explorer)

Positives: Novelty-seeking, Risk-taking, Energetic, Spontaneous, Sexual, Curious, Flexible, Liberal

Negatives: Manic, Unpredictable, Restless, Unreflective, Looks out--not in

Words Commonly Associated: Adventure, Spontaneous, Travel, Passion, Active, Outgoing

Similar Character: Obama

The female Explorer will go for the Male Explorer. (Similarities)

The male Explorer will go for the Female Explorer. (Similarities)

2. Serotonin (The Builder)

Positives: Conventional, Traditional, Cautious, Calm, Managerial, Orderly, Frugal, Conscientious, Good w numbers, Detail-oriented, Loyal, Respects Authority

Negatives: Stubborn, Close-minded, Controlling

Words Commonly Associated: Family, Morals, Respect, Loyal, Value, Trustworthy

Similar Character: Gordon Brown, Colin Powell

The Female Builder will go for the Male Builder. (Similarities)

The Male Builder will go for the Female Builder. (Similarities)

3. Testosterone (The Director)

Positives: Analytical, Logical, Direct, Decisive, Tough-minded, Understands rule-based-system (math, computer, music, engineering, mechanics), Independent, Self-Disciplined

Negatives: Skeptical, Emotionally-Contained, Rank-Oriented, Competitive, Blunt

Words Commonly Associated: Intellectual, Debate, Geek, Nerd, Ambitious, Driven, Politics, Challenging, Real

Similar Character: Hillary Clinton

The Female Director will go for the Male Negotiator. (Opposites)

The Male Director will go for the Female Negotiator. (Opposites)

4. Estrogen/Oxytocin (The Negotiator)

Positives: Sees the big picture, Imaginative, Holistic Thinking, Linguistic Skills, Social Skills, Intuitive, Empathetic, Nurturing, Trusting, Emotionally Expressive, Agreeable, Egalitarian

Negatives: Indecisive, Unfocused, Gullible, Unforgiving, Effusive

Words Commonly Associated: Passion, Real, Heart, Kind, Sensitive, Sweet, Learning, Random, Empathy

Similar Character: Bill Clinton, Charles Darwin

The Female Negotiator will go for the Male Director. (Opposites)

The Male Negotiator will for the Female Director. (Opposites)

Based on this chart, we can logically make an approximate guess on how we relate to the personalities around us and who we really match with.

I went to Chemistry.com and took this personality test in 10 minutes, with my results being: Faryn, you are a Negotiator/Explorer; Negotiator being my dominant personality. The summary also told me about my personality type, primary traits, secondary traits, how love and relationships go, relating to others, things to be aware of, and the spark factor between myself and others. What's interesting is (I made) my boyfriend take the same test, his resulting in a Director/Negotiator type, an almost perfect match for myself and him alike (happy face).

I recommend taking the test for yourself, a preview to Helen Fisher's book 'Why him? Why her?'. She has a few other books based on love, sex, and chemistry (3 things we're all interested in). Very interesting......So, try yourself! If you can't quite pinpoint your personality type of the 4 above, or just want to be damn sure you match with your significant other, go to Chemistry.com or Click Here. 

(Here is the link to the video)

Happy Lovin~

Breaking the Bars: FWB

Hello! I can finally get down to beeswax, because times have been busy up the heezy, and I've been procrastinating because I wanted the first post to be exceptionally long. (FYI: These postings will probably be a few in a day, every week, when I can squeeze some in. yadadadmean). This posting is one of the reasons I started this blog, for my own personal dilemmas and others alike: Friends with Benefits aka 'FWB'. This common acronym seems to be a big issue with people in the modern age (how many bluddy movies came out already?). As our values, time-management, priorities, jobs, families, and friends will have an impact on our lives, we try (and by try I mean try and fail), to control our emotional thinking. By brushing things off our shoulders, we create a non-spoken existence between friends and partners, which tends to (not ALL the time), but majority of the time, backfire on our relationships. So how can FWB actually pull through?

Let's go back to the beginning....There was once a boy named Billy who could not help his third-eye. Billy was a good boy, a smart boy, nonetheless, a very horny boy. He could not help the fact that all he thought about was canoodling someone else besides his hand, but was much too involved with his goals to settle down with a girlfriend. It's not that he was a commitment-phobe or an asshole, he just knew he couldn't be the stability for a girl right now. On the other hand, there was Sally. She was also a busy girl, with many plans ahead in her future. She held herself to a high regard, as no man (or boy) would tie her down in the moment. Looking from a viewpoint, these two would be perfect for each other. For the sex. They find each other one day, through mutual friends, and end up making a rule: They would only please each other sexually. That meant no rules, no strings/attachments, and NO EMOTIONS. They went on about their days, seeing each other from time to time. Part of the rules meant that they *never saw each other in the day time.

*The Rules of Dating, taken from an episode of 'How I Met Your Mother':

The rules for dating are the same as the rules for Gremlins.

Rule 1: Never get them wet; in other words, don't let her shower at your place.

Rule 2: Keep them away from sunlight; i.e., never see them during the day.

Rule 3: Never feed them after midnight; meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her, ever!

All right, fine with them. Let's fast forward a couple of months. They're doing the same thing, hooking up every now and then. But hold it! They've showered together, woken up next to each other, and had breakfast with each other. Can this be that they are 'together'? They haven't had the talk, but it seems to be that they are feeling the bond. More time goes on, they become comfortable with each other, gloves off, inhibitions out the window. They are experiencing compassion for each others' company. They think about each other in non-sexual ways. Now, what were those rules again?
What rules?......

There are two ways this relationship can go. They can:
1. Have the talk, come to a conclusion, and accept the verdict (happy, disappointed, or biased)
or
2. Keep the non-verbal exciting, wild, unattached sex going on, but with many gambles along the way. Although the thrill is what is keeping this relationship together, both Sally and Billy know instinctively that they are getting themselves involved. How can they continue seeing each other on a weekly/daily basis without getting emotionally attached? That question is complicated; it's in our genes.*

'Your Brain in Love' via Scientific American.

*Oxytocin, aka the 'Love Hormone' is released during and after an orgasm in males and females alike. It evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around the other mate. Many studies have already shown a correlation of oxytocin with human bonding, increases in trust, and decreases in fear. (via Wiki)

Now we're getting down to the bees knees. Science will now prove that when two people have sex, they are not only pleasuring themselves, but becoming attached, whether they realize it or not. Sex is a bonding of two bodies, as spiritual or animalistic as we see it. It is a mutual agreement, which from the get-go, we survey through the other person, knowing within seconds that they are compatible and attractive to us, from the visuals, body language, scent, talk, leading to the dum dum dum, touch.

If science can prove that we mutually become emotionally attached, what are the odds we won't? Let's just say that we want to keep things balanced for the time being, without getting complicated. Sure, we can ignore the feeling altogether but what about the facts of everyday life? We begin to develop interests in the other person, similarities, memories. Songs that make us think of them, scents that remind us of their room, a cloud that reminds us of how fluffy they are to hug. Whatever the case, these are emotional attachments, so as long as it's just a smile lingering on your face the morning after, You Are Hooked, Buddy (and did you even plan on that?).

Whether it's time management, commitment phobia, or an uncontrollable boner/vagina, the oxytocin will settle in and we'll want to settle. Tricky part: Both parties must be willing and ready to settle, otherwise you're in a circular game of 'your turn, my turn, I wonder what they're thinking, let's just bone then'. I hate this. It's a vicious cycle until the verdict is clear. Our hearts and minds will always be an art of balance. One might go against the other in times of drastic feelings/logic. When we feel, we FEEL. There's no stopping that. Emotions are a beautiful thing, which is why they should be expressed in these times (why not make a move? They might be thinking the exact same thing). On the other hand, the mind is our guardian, watching out for us, keeping us out of hurt and the stickiest of situations. You can't be with this person 24/7, and you can't always depend on someone else to be there. Relying on ourselves is one of the key steps to maintaining this balance, of knowing who we are, what we want, and if we truly want to extend the boundaries of friends to something more.

So....
WILL Billy and Sally keep their FWB going on strong? It's up to them, but I believe not. Sex, ultimately, turns into a bond, a spiritual connection, and an overall, trust. Sex may be one of our most known and used humane traits, yet it has the power to pleasure lives, change lives, and make life. As simple as we see it in some cases, it may just be the gap between love and loss. Always use pre-caution. Mentally, emotionally and condom-ly.

Happy F***ing.