Douche: The new purple.

Here's the current trend report:

Jersey jackets, atkins diets, and A-holes.

What's the deals, peeps?

Everybody seems to be enthralled by the douchy guy/girl, well aware of their douchiness, let allow him/her to play a vital role in their lives. Why?

Because it gives us some kind of gain.

There are different scenarios for this though, from the perspective of a guy or a girl.

Here's Scenario 1: Guy is Douche.

Girl likes guy.

Guy likes vagina.

Girl is genuinely in like-love with guy.

Guy is genuinely horny, mighty douchy.

Girl lets him hit 1st base. And 2nd, 3rd, 4th.

Guy gets what he wants.

Girl calls guy.

Guy does not answer.

Girl waits for guy.

Guy goes for other girls.

Girl wonders what she did wrong.

Guy parties on.

Girl sees guy with other girl. Cries. Gets pissed.

Yet.

Still keeps guy around.

Why does girl keep guy around?

Girls are programmed to nurture people. We are the baby's bosom and no matter what the scenario is, we have this computer chip of provender and care in us. This is not to say that all girls are like Poor Girl up there. We have different genes, different upbringing, different scenarios, yet quite comparable to a male figure, girls will find more compassion in situations, which brings more questions, more emotion, more logic into play on relationships and life in general.

Girl obviously likes guy. Guy is fooling around, being a guy, bless him, but does not know the actions and effects he is putting on poor girl. She keeps him around because when guy plays hard to get (in which case he might literally be), she goes after him with primal notion. She knows what she wants. And she's going to get it. At least that's what the girl's mind is thinking. For girls, when we see guys, we primitively want them to nurture US, to be the caretakers for us, to protect us from bad, to keep us warm, to be the strong male role model we see ourselves deserving, and ultimately, giving us the right to be a woman. When the man is doing the opposite, and disobeying the law of human nature, he becomes questionable. 

Now how can we fix this?

Is that Girl's first question?

Cause knowing that Girl is genuinely looking for love, looking for commitment, and a wholesome man, she should obviously put this tainted project down and begin a new one. She should. But she doesn't. She's a nurturer and she'll go looking for a way to fix this broken record. What she will go through may be long term or short, emotionally draining or light, and life changing or viciously cycling.

As a woman, I see how we have the passion to fix a man up. To change him from his gritty ways and turn him into a prince. We all want to be the one to change him. If it wasn't you that did, it was the last girl to make him better for you. And if it wasn't her, it might be the next. Whatever the case, it's a beneficial feeling, helping someone out, knowing that they are better off with you. At the same time, you may not be the right one to change them. 

"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby." - Natalie Wood

Do not get discouraged, our care is genuine and compassionate. But it is literally impossible to change someone if they refuse to be changed. Think about it in their shoes. For Guy, he is a party boy. He is blowing girls off, acting a douche, and not to say that this type of behavior is literally correct, but he could be going through a stage. Just like we all do in life. A good part about the douche factor is that many people quickly ease in and out of it. Some people don't even have it for long. A night, a week, a spring break, we all vary. And girls do it too. Oh girl, we do it too.

Scenario 2: Girl is a ho.

Guy likes girl.

Girl likes guy(s).

Guy wants girl to commit herself.

Girl wants to party.

Guy is head over heels for girl.

Girl is aware, yet gives no compassion.

Guy is pitifully let down, yet still believes things will work.

Why does guy let himself be led on like this?

It's much more pathetic looking at a led-on situation from a guy's perspective. Mainly being, because guys are usually the ones to do it (experience reference). But, these situations do occur and when they do, guys, hold your mutha****** hats. 

Girls are crazy. We know this. You know this. And even the stable girls know this, cause we all have the lunatic pillow-punching bitch deep down inside us. It's not our fault, we come prepackaged with a whole lot of estrogen and when you have that much emotion, boy, it's a whole career trying to balance them out. 

In scenario 2, Guy is infatuated with Girl. It may be her stance, it may be her quirkiness, it may be her professionalism. Whatever the cause, he is sprung and when a dedicated man knows what he wants, he'll get it. Or so he thinks. In a man's world, I believe they like hard-to-get girls because it gives them an honest to goodness challenge. It keeps them busy. It fires their grill and sharpens their steel. A woman, to most men, is one of the most mystical and confusing creatures of all. Which is why they like cars so much. Call a car Baby and she'll never talk back. Anyway, the challenge is there and there he will go.

Is this why guys don't like the easy girls?

The easy girls are usually the ones to put out first. Maybe they know they're easy, maybe they don't. Maybe they're doing it on purpose, maybe it's genuine. Most guys will still hit that and be done. There was no challenge. He don't wanna stay around for any b.s. He had a deed, like you both were well aware of, and both of you got it done. Case closed, hasta luego. Does that make girls sad? Do birds fly?

One of the hardest things for girls, and guys alike, is the point of after-hook ups. There is a hint of 'now what' in the air. For girls, it's a clear case of 1. 'Ugh I never want to see him again' (Douchebags, this is your gold), or 2. 'I like him, he better change his Facebook status NOW'. If you're in between, honey, you're bound to flip one switch soon. For guys, well 1. 'That was great. Bye.' or 2. 'That was great. Round 2?'. Why do we have to be so different?

I could keep going on and on about this situation. It is the problem of centuries. However, there is a simple basic answer to it:

Do what you enjoy.

Be happy.

If he/she ain't giving you the love, drop them.

There's no need to be mean in the process; let them know how you feel and if their answer is different than yours and the door is looking shut, walk yourself out. We, as human beings, should be thriving, beautiful, lively, LIVING. Not tied down in bullshit shenanigans that we see happen over and over again in movies and tv and to our best friends.

Do not ever, ever, ever change yourself for someone else. 

You are much too f****** important for that. You can change your clothes, do your hair, put on some shoes, but keep what's inside REAL.

The time is now.

If you're in a douchy relationship and you are reading this, take it from me, it's not getting any better. 

You will. 

Breaking the Bars: Sex with the X

This is a common case, no?

Depending upon time/whereabouts/the past/emotions/etc, the act of X-sex is actually a good thing. 

Why?

There are Pros:

1. It is consensual.

2. You know exactly what/where/how he/she likes it and vise-versa.

3. It's comfortable and you can relax (there's no awkward situations, you've been through this, remember?)

Sex with the ex can be extraordinary. But with all the pros come a few cons as well. After all, there is a reason they're called the ex, right? Mm-hmmmmmm.

Cons:

1. It is uncomfortably awkward (but you didn't intend for it to be).

2. One person still has feelings for the other (oh shnap).

3. It brings up bad memories.

Poor Peter.

The list could go on...It's great because you guys haven't seen each other in a long time and you can play catch up while playing dress down; it's bad because he whipped it out and you were reminded of the time you guys were drunk in the shower and he slipped out of the tub, etc... 

Whether the sex is good or not, the agreement should be in place. Don't go thinking you can get drunk and push your feelings aside either, that may hurt you. Mutually agree that this is something you both can hop on, pun intended, and enjoy the ride, to intend the pun. Just like friends with benefits, the rules are the same. Always remember that there are TWO people in this game, and along with people come emotions, feelings, maybe even a little bit of resentment. Don't go bringing up the past once you guys have hooked up. Like "Remember that time you stood me up mutha f*&#@?!". A little bit of hastiness can turn sex into a power trip (sex is directly linked to human bonding), so don't go messing around with people through that. Big no-no. A playful flirtation is probably the healthiest flow a past relationship can have in order to grow from the ending you both had. And from here, there are many doors that could open.

Sure, you guys might actually end up re-igniting the fire, which I *golf clap* you on. But another scenario that might end up happening is that they become your bootycall. Now I'm on the fence about this one. Like the notion above, there's a reason they're your ex. In which case, you must look over the scenarios from you and only your perspective. There could be a million reasons why you guys broke up. Maybe it was because he cheated on you. Maybe you cheated on him. Maybe his voice irritated you. Maybe you were too clingy. Whatever the case, I do advise you above anything else, to make sure that you are emotionally aware of the situation and the underlying predicaments that may pop up. 

Y'know how they say to 'live everyday like its your last'? Do that, but make like just in case it's not your last, you didn't just juggle up your emotions (esp for the girls, haaay).

Happy sEXing.

The Bootycall.

That should be the name of my dog, if I ever get one. 'Bootycall! Bootycall! BOOTYCALL! GET OVER HERE'. I would always have one to call.

Bootycalls are so last night. They happen in the wee hours of dawn and end when the sun comes up. It's like how Shrek's girlfriend turns into an ogre. Call it the Fiona.

So when people Fiona each other, what they're really doing is feeding their sexual appetite. Is that so wrong? Not at all. Just make sure you have the reigns on your FEELINGS!

Does anyone watch Jersey Shore? *75 people raise their hand, 25 too ashamed to*...I do. And what this fiesta of a sitcom is saying to me is: Sex is in the eye of the beholder. Nothing wrong with it, however, when 7 million people are tuning into you hooking up with a total stranger after too many shots at Karma, sex may look disrespectful. It's not though. Do it with the right intentions.

Intention with the Fiona being: Keep it mutual, respectful, and crystal clear.
Do not involve emotions. OH DEAR GOD do not involve emotions. There's a reason you're quick-banging, right? You're releasing stress, you're feeding the appetite, you're keeping yourself happy (in a moment's time). So remember that it is U that is getting into the situation and it is U that is leaving the morning after/watching the other person dress and go. I guess I've done it too many times before, but there's been an even amount of suitors that have committed the clinger too.

Clinger example: "Let's get breakfast"
"Can we shower together?"
"What are you doing later today?"

If you do this, I feel for you. It sucks to be the clinger when the other person is wax paper. (Actually, think about it, if both people were clingers, they'd be saran wrap at the point when it's so hard to uncling that you throw it away and rip off a new one...AKA bad situation. Two clingers is worse than one. My hypothesis). I just don't want another soul being shredded apart by the sharp edge of the ripper.

By avoiding situations like this, both hornies must be mutual. Whether it's a handshake, a wink, a pat on the back, make the field rules clear: This is just physical and it's just with you/it's just with you and so-and-so/it's just with you and the rest of your friends/I'm banging everyone else too btw. Seriously, communication is serious. With this mutual agreement, respect is also traded. By letting this person know your intentions, you're giving them knowledge of what's to come so they're not blindsighted at the last minute.

Blindsight example: "I just found out you slept with my friend"
-"You said we're not dating"
"......WHATEVER I HATE YOU!"

So take my advice on this one, make sure you and the other person are well aware of the situation and where you both stand. One person might have feelings, while the other one has no clue. In which case, the Fiona should not even be pulled off. This can be dangerous if continued unspoken. By keeping things crystal clear, bootycalls can turn out healthy, enjoyable and beneficial to both people and their hormones.

In the case of eliminating drama, express yourself and your thoughts. Even if you think that could jeopardize what you both have. They're only your bootycalls, it's not like you're holding onto a life's commitment here (unless of course this is your friend and you want to keep the relationship healthy. Read Friends with Benefits). It's important to realize that the people in your life are there for the vibe you put out. Keeping your feelings in can be just as wrong as leading someone on. In this case, you'd be leading yourself on. Take good care of yourself and remember that there are other things in the world besides sex. Like dogs and hobbies.

Happy Fiona-ing.

Breaking the Bars: FWB

Hello! I can finally get down to beeswax, because times have been busy up the heezy, and I've been procrastinating because I wanted the first post to be exceptionally long. (FYI: These postings will probably be a few in a day, every week, when I can squeeze some in. yadadadmean). This posting is one of the reasons I started this blog, for my own personal dilemmas and others alike: Friends with Benefits aka 'FWB'. This common acronym seems to be a big issue with people in the modern age (how many bluddy movies came out already?). As our values, time-management, priorities, jobs, families, and friends will have an impact on our lives, we try (and by try I mean try and fail), to control our emotional thinking. By brushing things off our shoulders, we create a non-spoken existence between friends and partners, which tends to (not ALL the time), but majority of the time, backfire on our relationships. So how can FWB actually pull through?

Let's go back to the beginning....There was once a boy named Billy who could not help his third-eye. Billy was a good boy, a smart boy, nonetheless, a very horny boy. He could not help the fact that all he thought about was canoodling someone else besides his hand, but was much too involved with his goals to settle down with a girlfriend. It's not that he was a commitment-phobe or an asshole, he just knew he couldn't be the stability for a girl right now. On the other hand, there was Sally. She was also a busy girl, with many plans ahead in her future. She held herself to a high regard, as no man (or boy) would tie her down in the moment. Looking from a viewpoint, these two would be perfect for each other. For the sex. They find each other one day, through mutual friends, and end up making a rule: They would only please each other sexually. That meant no rules, no strings/attachments, and NO EMOTIONS. They went on about their days, seeing each other from time to time. Part of the rules meant that they *never saw each other in the day time.

*The Rules of Dating, taken from an episode of 'How I Met Your Mother':

The rules for dating are the same as the rules for Gremlins.

Rule 1: Never get them wet; in other words, don't let her shower at your place.

Rule 2: Keep them away from sunlight; i.e., never see them during the day.

Rule 3: Never feed them after midnight; meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her, ever!

All right, fine with them. Let's fast forward a couple of months. They're doing the same thing, hooking up every now and then. But hold it! They've showered together, woken up next to each other, and had breakfast with each other. Can this be that they are 'together'? They haven't had the talk, but it seems to be that they are feeling the bond. More time goes on, they become comfortable with each other, gloves off, inhibitions out the window. They are experiencing compassion for each others' company. They think about each other in non-sexual ways. Now, what were those rules again?
What rules?......

There are two ways this relationship can go. They can:
1. Have the talk, come to a conclusion, and accept the verdict (happy, disappointed, or biased)
or
2. Keep the non-verbal exciting, wild, unattached sex going on, but with many gambles along the way. Although the thrill is what is keeping this relationship together, both Sally and Billy know instinctively that they are getting themselves involved. How can they continue seeing each other on a weekly/daily basis without getting emotionally attached? That question is complicated; it's in our genes.*

'Your Brain in Love' via Scientific American.

*Oxytocin, aka the 'Love Hormone' is released during and after an orgasm in males and females alike. It evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around the other mate. Many studies have already shown a correlation of oxytocin with human bonding, increases in trust, and decreases in fear. (via Wiki)

Now we're getting down to the bees knees. Science will now prove that when two people have sex, they are not only pleasuring themselves, but becoming attached, whether they realize it or not. Sex is a bonding of two bodies, as spiritual or animalistic as we see it. It is a mutual agreement, which from the get-go, we survey through the other person, knowing within seconds that they are compatible and attractive to us, from the visuals, body language, scent, talk, leading to the dum dum dum, touch.

If science can prove that we mutually become emotionally attached, what are the odds we won't? Let's just say that we want to keep things balanced for the time being, without getting complicated. Sure, we can ignore the feeling altogether but what about the facts of everyday life? We begin to develop interests in the other person, similarities, memories. Songs that make us think of them, scents that remind us of their room, a cloud that reminds us of how fluffy they are to hug. Whatever the case, these are emotional attachments, so as long as it's just a smile lingering on your face the morning after, You Are Hooked, Buddy (and did you even plan on that?).

Whether it's time management, commitment phobia, or an uncontrollable boner/vagina, the oxytocin will settle in and we'll want to settle. Tricky part: Both parties must be willing and ready to settle, otherwise you're in a circular game of 'your turn, my turn, I wonder what they're thinking, let's just bone then'. I hate this. It's a vicious cycle until the verdict is clear. Our hearts and minds will always be an art of balance. One might go against the other in times of drastic feelings/logic. When we feel, we FEEL. There's no stopping that. Emotions are a beautiful thing, which is why they should be expressed in these times (why not make a move? They might be thinking the exact same thing). On the other hand, the mind is our guardian, watching out for us, keeping us out of hurt and the stickiest of situations. You can't be with this person 24/7, and you can't always depend on someone else to be there. Relying on ourselves is one of the key steps to maintaining this balance, of knowing who we are, what we want, and if we truly want to extend the boundaries of friends to something more.

So....
WILL Billy and Sally keep their FWB going on strong? It's up to them, but I believe not. Sex, ultimately, turns into a bond, a spiritual connection, and an overall, trust. Sex may be one of our most known and used humane traits, yet it has the power to pleasure lives, change lives, and make life. As simple as we see it in some cases, it may just be the gap between love and loss. Always use pre-caution. Mentally, emotionally and condom-ly.

Happy F***ing.